I am aware that I am beginning to thaw. I cry all the time now. More than usual. And for completely different reasons. Lately I cry for myself. It's not the stub your toe and cry or I'm really frustrated cry or even you hurt my feelings cry. This crying business is all about mourning the shit I did not get. I cry now when she hugs me like I'm the best hug she's received since the last time we hugged. I cry when she tells me, by moving her head and capturing my glance, that I love her while looking in her eyes because she knows it terrifies me...because she knows there's an anchoring that will happen when our eyes meet that will erase every bit of anxiety I feel. I cry now because it is so good being loved by someone and it hurts because I realize I didn't couldn't wouldn't know realize risk having someone love me like this before her.
I cry out of sheer joy when I'm with her. Sometimes it feels so good I have no words to even describe her spirit and I know I'm so extremely lucky. I cry because she reminds me of how deserving we both are of being loved well. I weep when she holds me and tells me she hates all the people in the world who couldn't love me the way I deserved.
But this wasn't going to be about all that. This was going to be about her.
She is one of the most beautiful, kind, loving, warm, generous, honest, solid people I have ever met. I didn't think I was capable of meeting anyone like her and I painfully have to admit that a part of me felt I didn't deserve or had not earned an opportunity to meet someone like her. She is one of those rare healthy secure attachment type people you hear so much about but may have figured were extinct. Or married already. I want to send flowers and cards to her exes to thank them for not realizing the jewel she is.
I can't wait to introduce her to everyone I love because I know you will be just as smitten with her as I am.
Until you get the chance... this is Wendee. She's forever.